Why Do Women Become Emotionally Unavailable?

Let’s start with a question ‘what is emotional unavailability’ in order to understand the root of a problem. According to psychiatrists and therapists, this pattern can be defined as a complete exclusion of emotions from a certain field (job, family relationships, etc.) So now that we know more or less about the phenomenon, I suggest that we apply the pattern to everyday life. Every one of us at least once in a lifetime has dealt with emotionally unavailable people. They seem rigid, cold, unstable and definitely not inviting. But some of us are damaged even more – because a lot of people, actually, grow in families of emotionally unavailable relatives without even knowing it.

And the greatest damage goes to daughters, whose mothers were detached at the moments of upbringing. Those girls will have several problems in the future, like low self-esteem, complete inability to stand for their words, and the everlasting urge to search for validation.

emotionally unavailable women

So why do women become emotionally cold in the first place? An emotionally unavailable woman is hard to read, that’s why when a therapist asks her about her parents, the answer will be vague and short: ‘They were normal.’ Emotionally detached people cannot trace problems within their family, because they have never paid too much attention to the things people said, they have a block towards actions, events and sphere of feelings as a whole. In most cases, children become cold at a very young age, because such pattern was the only one to be seen in their families. Parents never gave any credits to their children, no dinners or celebrations took place either.

When a child grows up in an atmosphere of coldness and indifference, he or she will inevitably block any feelings, because they will be thought of as unnatural and wild; any words of endearment or validation will never be heard from those people as they simply had been taught to keep emotions inside. And when emotions are kept inside for a critically long time, we get an explosive hysterical manifestation of feelings, or they are suppressed and fought forever.

A mother will never acknowledge her daughter’s feelings and her child won’t hear any words of cheering or support, because the mother is so immature to the point she will think “I’ve never heard good words, so my daughter won’t get more than me. I WAS HURT. ME.” In fact, rigid reactions are the pinnacle of selfish and egocentric behavior. An inner child of cold mothers will compete with a factual physical child. For now they are siblings, who still search for validation together.

Emotionally unavailable women can become such as a result of abusive relationships in adult age. Women who suffer from domestic violence will not search for passionate feelings as they will be associated with rage, consequently, with danger. Their position is “I will turn down people before they hurt me”. Love was being suppressed for a long time. Let’s observe one interesting example. Your cat is being naughty. It tries to damage the furniture. When you spray the animal with water, it will remember the situation that gave stress, and never do it over and over again. In fact, a cat will be afraid of water as a sign of torture.

woman-sitting-aloneTransforming into a human language, a woman used to be loving and initiate an action, but once you answer an unwanted action with a firm reaction, an animal basic way of defense will work every time. In this case water is your cold shoulder. You punish a person for loving you. And the only natural reaction will be a detachment from a subject or object of torture. If a woman was beaten or yelled at for the manifestation of her emotions, she will never try to trap into a similar situation in order not to be hurt one more time. One method of defense works for every human being equally.

How To Spot An Emotionally Detached Woman?

Remember, emotionally detached people act and behave unnatural and bitter. Emotionally unavailable women DO:

  • answer negatively every time you will get into their comfort zone. Being victimized in early childhood or adult life, she will prevent you sneaking into her private life. Because she thinks you will wreck her after.
  • decline sex offers. As a person that is rather rigid and cold, every attempt to get closer, physically or mentally, will be turned down. This will happen every time, because sex is the strongest mental bond between two people who have to trust each other. Even thoughts of sharing a bed with you might disgust her.
  • try to conquer you. As she has been suppressed in her childhood, an emotionally detached woman will not let you take the situation in your hands. She has seen this pattern in her own family. She will pet you as a cute animal or treat you as a child, because her emotive side is initially frozen almost completely, so her only way to deal with people is to manipulate them like toys.
  • not appreciate ‘together time’. Emotional detachment guarantees the absence of duty. No one explained to those women that love is both-sided, so her natural reaction will be bore, indifference and leaving the conversation pretty soon.
  • not think about your feelings. Emotionally unavailable people are pretty selfish and egocentric; also they are immature and childish. And children rarely trace parents’ reactions after they have done bad things. If a woman thinks only about herself when she hurts you, she might have been left alone in her childhood.
  • lose temper when you don’t act the way she wants you to. When things go as not expected, she will throw tantrums and won’t explain her behavior.
  • decline offers to meet your family and friends. As some kind of commitment, emotionally detached women will not move further than meetings, because she is not ready to pull maturity out of the closet yet.

If the signs, listed above are not found, then, congrats, you have a pretty healthy relationship, but if most of the signs are checked, than you better learn how to deal with such a woman in the next passage:

How To Deal With Emotionally Unavailable Women

Speaking about partners of emotionally unavailable women, I should say that they 100% have a hard time being in such a relationship. They often feel that they are neglected and not loved. They do not feel the support. So, how to deal with emotionally unavailable women? What to do with her emotional unavailability?

Plan A or Plan B?

Plan A: If you're not yet in love with her, you may want to give it a second thought. I'm not saying you should break up with her. I'm just saying, give it a second thought … and give it a third thought. Compared with women who are emotionally secure and who are comfortable with intimate relationships, a man has to work harder and deal with more problems.

Plan B: All right, my dear! You love her, love her, love her! You've thought about it and it's too late to get out. If you really want her and are sure of it, I'll help you get there. In what follows, I will talk about the characteristics that these women find attractive.

Characteristics she is attracted to

Attractive Characteristic #1: Self-Sufficiency

As someone who dislikes emotional intimacy, she is attracted to a self-sufficient man. It's extremely attractive and relaxing for her to know that he won't need much emotional or financial support from her. He can handle his own life and satisfy his own needs by himself, including both emotional and material needs. For example, if one of his needs is to have 10 pairs of new shoes a month, he’ll have the financial resources to buy them. If one of his needs is to feel happy and fulfilled, he’ll have a social network in place. And, most importantly, he’s able to be happy just by himself. He doesn't need a friend or a woman to make him feel good. He's financially and emotionally self-sufficient.

Emotionally-UnavailableAttractive Characteristic #2: Ambitions

This goes more along the line of being a man who has his own goals in life and who wants to achieve things on his own. For some men, having a happy family, being a good father and a good husband are what they want to have. This is an admirable dream! But for her, this is not very attractive. A self-centered woman likes a man who wants to create his own interesting, adventurous, exciting world that she can be part of, rather than the other way around. Therefore, an independent man who wants to focus on non-family oriented goals will be what she's looking for. Do not forget –she is emotionally unavailable.

Attractive Characteristic #3: Non-Caring (and I'm not kidding about this one!)

Being caring is a good quality to have, but not in the case of dating and having a relationship with a woman who's afraid of intimate relationships. When a man lets his nurturing side and caring personality surface, she will be on guard, suspicious, and try everything to resist his attempts to soften her up. Leave her be! Let her know that if she needs something, you'll be there.

Finally, the Million Dollar Question, “Can I change her?”

Yes and No! I know I'm starting to sound like a politician, but I won't be cynical here and say you can never change her. Give both of you a chance! Here's the way to change her, provided that she can be changed: Have a talk with her and cover the following things:

  • You need to look calm and be calm. If you feel annoyed or angry during this talk, stop it and do it another day.
  • Tell her that you love her and you've realized that being emotionally intimate is not something she's very comfortable with.
  • Tell her that being emotionally intimate is something very important to you and you don't think you can be truly happy in a relationship without it.
  • Tell her that you want to give both of you a chance to work this out.

Help Her And Don’t Leave Her

Finally, the most important part is to give her a deadline. I think anywhere between 3 and 6 months is a good time table. You can say this, “I really want to work this out during the next … months. I sure hope you can become more emotionally open with me by then. But I know that I can't change who you are. If by the end of … months, we still can't solve this problem, I will have to regretfully walk away.”

If after that time period, you have noticed that she made a big effort to be more emotionally open with you, CONGRATULATIONS, you've found a good woman who loves you and who is willing to change for you.

If after that time period, she hasn't changed how she behaves, I want to say this: You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy. She has proven to you that she won't change. Giving her more time won't turn her around. Either she's willing to make the efforts or she isn't. So, accept the fact that she is not the woman who can truly make you happy and move on. It will be painful for a while, but trust me, time will heal the wounds.

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