If you’ve ever been in a commitment, you know sometimes it gets rough. Not all romances are all roses, we get to bite into bitter parts of the cake. People have to work through terrifying moments in their lives and stick to their words. They have to forgive and forget; notice some bad behavior and ask the partner to fix it. That is how a commitment works – it’s never a quick job. But what if you feel loneliness in a relationship? Sometimes it can come from a long-distance relationship when you are separated, miles away from each other. It’s quite understandable. But why do I feel lonely in my relationship when my partner is right here? Today we will figure out the reasons and learn how to cope with being lonely in a relationship (or feeling lonely), both with and without a partner by your side.
Where does loneliness come from in a romantic relationship?
Loneliness is a consequence of constant misunderstanding and negligence. You might start off from a very good point when both you and your partner feel each other’s best friends. You give each other a very good vibe, you work very cooperatively as a team, you accept all ups and downs in your relationships. But that feeling fades away too. You become more distant from time to time. You get separated from each other once some other factors come in, like financial instability, boredom, lack of mystery and other people intruding into your relationships. Once you are not so outspoken anymore, things will inevitably get rough. You will be unwilling to take up confrontation analysis, you will be silent more often and hold grudges for each other. Thus, without managing and assistance will come to three more phases:
1. Feeling lonely. When you feel lonely in a relationship it means that your boo didn’t dedicate enough time to you, so you become bored and sad like a neglected animal on the streets. You seek company of other people to fill out your desperation, trying to make your partner repent for all the sins they committed. Maybe they are just busy and not in the mood? You definitely are ready to give them benefit of the doubt.
2. Feeling alone. This is the stage where it gets kind of sadder. This is the point where you are feeling lonely in a relationship with the partner next to you. You minimize contact, skip problem solving and just kind of hang out in the same territory. You gradually become a loner and don’t apologize about it anymore on your behalf. Your boo gets uninterested either. You are mad, but feel too aggravated to tell this, hoping it’s not the end of a relationship.
3. Feeling single. You just don’t give a damn at this point. You don’t feel obliged to stay dedicated to this person, thinking that they deserve a bigger backlash and they never cared about you anyway. Flirting in the bar doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all since you can get at least a little of that attention you are deprived of at home. Don’t worry, your boo is doing the same thing, you just don’t talk about it and hope they don’t cheat on you. They do, and the lack of interest and respect is not achievable for both of you, as the relationship is slowly swirling to oblivion at this point.
Why do we feel lonely while in a relationship?
There is a number of reasons why a person is in a relationship but lonely, and not all the time the reason is your significant other. You might feel lonely with the significant other on your side if:
1)They don’t respect your interests. Your partner doesn’t seem to get that country music is great, so since you spend most of the time with them, you feel deprived of some of your hobbies you so deeply loved. You might seem embarrassed, mad and low-key disappointed about it, but you always almost ultimately feel that despite of having a good boyfriend or girlfriend, there is no one around to share your admiration for some things.
2)They cut you off from your relatives. They might not be a tyrant or a psychopath. Relationships are just time-consuming. Especially if you are married. Now that you argue more and have less fun, there is not a person around to spill your anger or gossip about someone with your momma or your best friend, so you feel lonely because it’s stupid to talk about your fights with the reason of your fights.
3)They have set too many borders. If your partner has lots of unsolved problems, if they are closed off and have trust issues, or they are emotionally unavailable, it’s kind of hard to get around with them, so you sit silently and wonder what you did wrong.
4)You have a void in your soul. When we feel incomplete, we tend to blame it on other people. But you need to get back to the time you were not dating. Maybe you had some serious issues that were masked by the first stage of love, but when that chemistry dissolved you feel face to face with your past problems and too vulnerable to deal with them on your own?
How to overcome loneliness in a relationship?
What to do when you feel lonely in a relationship? How do you show your partner that there are clearly some things to work on in your duet?
Talk with them about everything. Just talk it out. Start with something like that: “Hey, I have been feeling lonely and anxious recently. I wonder why it happens. Maybe we could use some time to fix it having more emotional connection?” But don’t start a fight or a scene out of it. Don’t accuse your partner, be petty about it and be passive aggressive. Maybe your significant other goes through a lot too, but they see your sadness and just don’t want to add up more to your plate. Resolve things together. Couples who work together stay together.
Start spending more time together. Some people are just crazily stupid when they see things are getting out of control in their relationships, shifting their relationship status to trash. For example, if you don’t get enough attention from your boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t try to create an independent person type of attitude to show that they are going to miss you when you’re gone. What you are trying to do is to show that you are good on your own and your boo is a fool not to give you enough attention. What they see is a negative vibe and you try to separate from them even more. As the result, both of you are too scared and too mad to make a first step towards relief. What you want to do is ask for interaction as much as you can, offer Sunday trips, hobby classes, getaways and evening dinners together. Just ask your girlfriend or boyfriend out like you used to do when you started dating.
Heal yourself. As they say: “If you don’t know how to be your own assistant, why would you need someone else?” We don’t need people to heal our stuff at their expenses. If you feel lonely, maybe it comes from the place where you don’t know how to have fun on your own and are just scared of every minute in an empty room? Spend some time getting to know yourself. Be spiritual. Do yoga, read or learn a new language. It will set you free from never-ending thoughts of being alone in the crowd, because you will dedicate much more time just to yourself. Besides, it will attract the interest of your significant other even more, now that you are busy and always calm.
How to cope with long distance relationship loneliness?
Loneliness in a long distance relationship is a complicated topic since even if your partner dedicates a whole free evening to you, it would be enough to fill your craving for their touch. There is no remedy for that kind of loneliness but staying together in one city. And if that is simply not possible, well, you can try out some other new things, like learning how to get physical while on a distance, talking to each other at least two-three times a day, texting and Facetiming each other on a daily basis and, of course, arranging meetings when both of you can be very happy and loaded with each other’s love for at least other month or so. Is it hard for you to travel to each other?
The little trick you can do is get a pet which you can call your little child that now belongs to both of you. Once you got this pet, show it every day to your partner on Skype and ask for recommendations on their nutrition, share funny stories and take lots of photos. Your partner will perceive this pet as a new family member that both of you like. You will get distracted and feel that the living being, charged with your partner’s energy is always with you. Your partner can do the same. Just find a link that will always be present in your household, and evenings will be happier.
If you can afford it, plan seasonal getaways to a new place with your partner. Since one day counts as ten when you are on a journey, you will always live a mini-adventure together that will leave their presence and fill you up with positive memories for many months. Besides that, it is much better than being devoured by everyday routine where one third of the day is spent on house chores. When you are at a neutral territory, you don’t have to think about things like that and can spend 100% of your time on each other.
When you are separated, together or not, the best thing is to talk with each other. If you haven’t learned how to deal with loneliness yet, it’s high time for you to get rid of those sentiments and talk about things that make you feel that way in a relationship. Just tell your significant other what makes you think they can’t help you or will abandon you. Maybe it’s just a phase and they will apologize for this ridiculous behavior or reassure you that things are far more positive in your household. Anyway, it is a much better approach than holding grudges or sinking into depression over an arguably non-existent problem.
If you are separated by miles, you need to get closer as much as you can and find things that will always link you up. Share as much details as possible about each other and always stay positive – tomorrow will be more fabulous!